• Alex Ganon

Alex Ganon Reviews: Surgery

Updated: Oct 6

It all started two years ago. I can't say I remember why, but for some reason, I'm at the clinic. Actually, I seem to remember it was related to my bowels.


I don't have a family doctor because how could I possibly find one? Most doctors in Canada move


to the States because I hear via gossip that our pay is shit. Before the end of my conversation with Dr. Stranger, I mention a lump down low that has been uncomfortable and kinda hurts. They touch it, say, "Well, this isn't good, could be a swollen gland from infection," and send me to get an ultrasound and some blood work. It's not really work, though.

I just sit there at the lab. No effort at all, really.


A few weeks later, I'm at the same clinic but seeing a different doctor. He says I have a hernia.


After touching it, he says he doesn't understand why his peer thought it was anything else. It's obviously a hernia. There's nothing better than hearing a medical professional call another doctor an idiot. If there's one thing I need in my life it's the knowledge that doctors, who literally have your life in their hands, make mistakes too, just like us regular folks.


Anyway, he asks if I want it fixed. I ask if it will get better on its own. He says NO. I ask if it will get worse. He says PROBABLY. So, I reasonably say yes, we should fix it. He mentions that I shouldn't do a bunch of intense exercises like lifting weights and such. I lie and say no problem. I have already made up my mind that I got this hernia because I was lax on my exercises for the past year and need to get in better shape.


As I said, I live in Canada, so I don't hear anything about it again for a year. The surgeon calls me for a consultation. Great, this thing is annoying. Unfortunately, this is just a conversation, and I need to wait a whole other year before I'm on an operating table. 2 years! What can I say? At least the medical care is free….

I was a little surprised when the hospital called about the surgery. I forgot about the whole thing. A person gets used to an annoying achy lump after a few years. I tell my boss, and he naturally asks how long I'll be away. I tell him I don't know. I have forgotten everything the surgeon s


aid a year ago. He had given me a paper with all the info, but I am sure that it has decomposed in whatever landfill I sent it to after this length of time.


It's a day surgery (I will leave the same day), so the hospital says I need a responsible adult ready to drive me home. I tell them I don't have one; all I have is my wife. They don't laugh… I guess another dad has already told them that joke.


The week of the surgery, I admit, I'm seriously looking forward to it. Excited even. My real job is as a manager in retail, and my surgery is scheduled for mid-December. That means I will get Christmas off! I don't think I have had that privilege since leaving school.


A few days before, I have an appointment with the anesthesiologist so he can NOT accidentally put me to sleep forever. I ask him if I can be given some "good stuff" before surgery for "anxiety." I mean, if I'm going to go through the hassle of being cut open, I may as well get some kind of reward for showing up, right? He says yes for sure and writes it down.


Perfect.

It's the day of surgery. I'm wearing clean underwear and comfy pants. I am ready.


I show up at the hospital, wait in line for my COVID screening quiz, and am naked under a gown in no time at all.


I look around the room and see only a fraction of the beds available are in use.


I don't actually do the math, but it seems there are like 5 nurses for every patient.


Hmm….


I'm 100% sure, just days before, the news was telling me the hospitals are in crisis, filled to capacity because of COVID. We need to keep our lockdown tight and stay secluded this holiday season. Look, I'm not commenting on the importance of these restrictions or their necessity. I'm just saying this hospital at this time seemed peaceful as hell. I'm not complaining. It's actually my preference.


A nurse comes by and hooks up my IV. She does excellent, gets it on the first try. This is a good omen, I decide. More time passes, and I start to worry that they will not give me the Valium I was promised. My heart sinks a notch; I was really looking forward to it.


A nurse comes and wheels me to the OR. My feet are dangling off the end of my cot. I watch in anticipation as my toes brush millimeters away from one obstacle after another. I make a game out of it in my head, but she unknowingly wins out. She's good at her job.


I eventually make it to my parking space. I see mine, my surgeon's, and my anesthesiologist's names on a dry erase board. This board is located in the parking space to my right. I look in front of me and see the board in my space has names for entirely other people.


I point and ask, "Hey, am I in the wrong spot?"


"Oh!..no, it doesn't matter," the nurse says but then immediately erases all the names off both boards.


Obviously, it must matter a smidgen if she feels the need to erase them. She then leaves with the boards blank. I'm curious to the point then if it's totally fine my name is not on it. No matter, I quickly lose interest, get bored and take a nap. Only slightly annoyed, I'm not getting the "good stuff."


I'm awoken by a different nurse who triple checks my info then asks me where my hernia is. I show her, and she immediately whips out a pen and draws an arrow on my skin, pointing to it. I am genuinely shocked and amazed. I assumed such tactics were just fantasy from fiction… something made up for Hollywood.


As I contemplate my faith and trust in the entire medical field, I am driven out to my final destination. This is when I try to remember precisely what it is they're doing to me. It has been a year since my consultation, so it's a little hazy.


I think it will be this:


They cut me open and blow my stomach up with air. Stick small robot arms underneath my abdominals. Travel down to my injury, and then what sew it up? That seems crude. Maybe there is a soldering gun they use (I've seen such a thing when watching my second kid get cut out). Maybe it's just a robot arm holding a bottle of superglue? Either way, I hope they suck the air out when they're done. A tall skinny guy with an extended gut would be the very worst outcome of this whole thing.

....I'd rather be dead.


Before I can double-check the air sucking, I am literally strapped down to a bed. I simply say, "Oh."

They stick something in my arm, saying it might pinch, but I don't remember if it did. A mask is placed over my face, and the top brushes my eyes, forcing them to involuntarily close.

They do not open.


Immediately I feel myself trying to raise my arms, then losing feeling in them before they crash down. This happens over and over.


I hear someone say, "Stop that."


I'm awake. Cool, it's done.


The surgeon comes by and starts talking to me. I really don't know what he tells me. I assume important post-surgery information that I immediately forget because I'm completely stoned.

The only thing I remember clearly is him telling me that I could go back to work after a week. Four weeks later, during my follow up appointment, I find out that that was totally in my imagination.

Time moves fast. I'm being wheeled out by a nurse to meet my wife outside (COVID says she cannot come in). Luckily they have written down some of the essential instructions. It's in my coat pocket, and I won't remember to give it to her until tomorrow.


The drive home is uneventful. She wants to talk about how it went. I will have none of it. For some reason, I want to discuss why, when putting clean dishes away, she thinks it's okay to mix the white dishes with the nice black ones. Every time I open the cupboard and see them mixed, I need to stop whatever I'm doing and separate them. It's very stressful. She laughs over it. I don't think it's funny.


Instead of going home, she stops at a pharmacy. I ask why. She says to get my prescription. That's weird—I don't remember giving her one.


Time starts to move slower, but eventually, I'm home.

Wife wants me to wait in the car; she will help me out. I say I'm fine, and despite her cursing, I get out before she has the engine off. She catches up to my meager shuffling hustle to the door immediately. I am an idiot, she says.


Into the living room, I supervise her repositioning of the sofa to suit my needs. I have purchased Cyberpunk to pass the time of my recovery and am eager to start. I'm under the false impression it will be okay.


She hands me some T3s telling me the nurse said to keep ahead of the pain.


"You were in the car. When did you talk to a nurse?"


"For like ten minutes before we left!"


"Are you sure? I don't remember that."


"Yes, Alex, just take the pills."


I convince her to give me four instead of two because it's just Tylenol. She agrees.


As I'm comfortably laid out, I have a chance to review the discolored disgusting mess that is now my stomach. Six hours ago, it was flat, now it's fat. I guess they do not suck the air out when they're done. Yes, I'm sure some of it is swelling, but still, I appear to be in the midst of my first trimester. I decide denial is a reasonable recourse and cover myself up. I do not even shed a tear for the apparent waste of time that was the last two years of regular exercise and diet, thanks to the hospital drugs… probably.


Time for gaming, coffee, and water. I'm all set for this vacation.


A few hours go by, and I'm hungry. What did the nurse say about food… I can't for the life of me remember. Shit, I'm starving, who cares.


Fast food then. My body is a mess, so why not give up completely? Burger and fries. This turns out to be regrettable.


30 minutes later, I'm bloated, just adding to the discomfort. I remem