• Alex Ganon

Alex Ganon Reviews: Neuralink


If you haven’t actually heard of Neuralink, I would be surprised. If you’re under a rock and seriously have not heard of this company and what they’re building you should google them after.


(Not now please.)


The quick recap is that they are basically building wearable tech that’s not really wearable but “built-in.” A coin-sized device, in your skull, with wires going into your brain. Its purpose, it seems, is to make music when your nose touches something.


Useful...


Actually, that’s what idiot me thinks it does as demonstrated by the pig shown in their public presentation several months back. Again google it, you will see a pig’s nose making music. I swear. I didn’t enjoy it and it will not become part of my playlist.


(Note from the editor: Here ya go.)



The link though: It’s a SciFi nerds fantasy turned reality.


Anyone with a brain the size of swine can see what it may bring us in the future. Current plans are to help people with injuries recover, in a sense. Giving gifts of miracles to those who’ve lost the ability to walk etc.


That’s awesome. Next, I imagine it would be gifts of sight. Then curing some applicable terminal disease. Gifts and miracles all around!


Perfect.


Although Neuralink was not created by him, Elon Musk has now taken a large stock in the enterprise.


Like literally.


It makes sense. It’s well-known that Elon has an incredible fear of AI and what it could bring down on us if it were fully realized. He has depressingly stated how a capable AI would be the doom of humankind. So what better way to prepare than to begin development on a tech that can turn us all into machines?


The “Don’t shoot! I’m one of you!” strategy.

Now the medical procedure is delicate of course, literally sewing wires into key areas of the brain. A human hand can not complete the task, so naturally, we must build a robot that can do it for us. Now we have a robot capable of installing tech into a human brain.


I think it’s painfully obvious what you're doing here Elon.


I wouldn’t be surprised if the first AI had already been created. Probably on June 28th, 1971. He was named Elon and immediately set in motion his plans of world domination. His first attempt at taking control of the economy with PayPal failed, so he sold it to eBay. Second attempts at taking over logistics with SpaceX and Tesla are still in progress and on track. The third step of creating machines to turn us into cyborg drones is now underway. His fear of an AI is actually just a fear of competition.


Seems plausible.


But...


Assuming that the normal billionaire/genius isn’t a villain, let’s look at what the future of implants will bring us.


What I wanted to first say was: “future generations of implants” but thought better of it. Dropping “generations,” because we forget how exponential the growth of technology can actually be. For tens of thousands of years worth of progress all we created was what? A wheel… fire… a club? Then a few measly thousands of years ago we started dabbling in metals then maybe a smidgen of chemistry. Slowly perfected these toys until we managed to puzzle together industry. Catching momentum, we get a few years of enlightenment. Science takes off… sorry God… then we're really rolling! Gaining flight, real medicine, space travel, micro-computing, smashing electrons…blah blah all within the last 200 years.


What’s less than 4 generations? How long is a generation? Ugh if I had an implant I would just know! Instead, I need to ask my phone like a caveman.


Point is, advancement is an explosive exponential rollercoaster that will not drop. 80 years ago we all thought we’d have flying cars. Instead, we have limitless knowledge through a device in our pocket. Which would have been more ludicrously far-fetched to your great grandfather?


So this year we see, via pig, an implant that can communicate to your nervous system. How long until we have an implant that replaces that omniscient thing in your pocket? Not too long.

If you’re curious what your future world will look like from the perspective of a person that has no business in it, you’re in luck.


After years of trials and human testing, Neuralink or someone similar will finally release their product to the medical/physical therapy sector. It’ll work wonders, literally wonders. Like stated before, we will be given gifts of miracles. Those who can’t walk will walk. Those who can’t see will see. As if it were some evangelical forehead-smacking carnival. The public will be engaged and mesmerized.


At this point, capitalism really kicks in, and the first version enters the general marketplace for the regular consumer. Expensive at first but that won’t last. Wasn’t it only like 10 years ago when a 60" 4k TV would cost you 5 figures? I think I saw one a few weeks ago during blackfriday for under $300 (and I live in Canada, so probably half that in the States).


This implant starts off pretty basic. It can do little things like a smartwatch. Your little computer in your pocket is still doing the heavy lifting. For me, in this future, I’m starting to get sick of that thing though. Always wearing a rectangular imprint in my jeans. I’m just tired of having to fumble with it.


Then one day, there’s an upgrade for my implant. A new version where I don’t need to touch my phone. Anything my fingers do, this new cranium chip can do, and faster. I book days off around its release and am in line the day of. An hour's surgery later, I’m strutting down the street texting and calling truly hands free for the first time.


There’s a problem though. It’s a Samsung. A few weeks later my hair bursts into flames from a small defect in the implant's battery.


Samsungs do that sometimes.


I recover. I’m not mad the alternative is going to Apple and I won’t do that. Their implant requires a special Apple hat to charge, the usual Apple money grab that I will not support. At least Android implants support any type of charging hat.


As the years pass and new versions become available, the processing power in my brain seems limitless. As your phone is omniscient now, my brain via my implant is omniscient in this future. It doesn’t matter though. Everyone has one, so I’m still as much an idiot in comparison as I’ve always been. I hear 5-year-olds are getting the implant installed, some even without parental locks!

Through my thoughts and several implants throughout my brain, eyes, and ears…I can call and text and messenger anyone I care to see or speak with. I can google any question I need answering. I could YouTube any video I desire. I don’t though… because YouTube has access to my thoughts, it recommends channels for what’s on my mind. Aliens, bigfoot, and fails constantly stream inside of me. Well, at least when it’s not an ad. (They took away the skip button years ago.)


I don’t really know now if I’m imagining something or if it’s a random video, honestly.


The problem with advertising doesn’t stop there. I used to have to actually say something out loud before my phone could overhear it to give creepily specific ads. Now a mere act or private thought is sufficient. As they do now, the big companies deny outright that they are listening in.


(It’s totally just a coincidence that the only time my bank has EVER texted me was when I asked my wife when she was leaving on her trip to Thailand. The text was for travel insurance.)


In this future, though it’s much more invasive. Before I know I’m even hungry I’m getting little pop-ups in my head for Dominos. When I slip on an icy sidewalk, I have the contact info for a local personal injury lawyer before I even hit the ground. Although it’s annoying, I secretly don’t care. It seems harmless enough. Well except the time in anger I threaten to kill someone and get bombarded by Amazon alerts for deals on garbage bags, duct tape, and sheets of plastic.


As the upgrades keep coming, big brother increases watch. Meh, oh well it’s the price I pay for convenience.


All the while, my relationship with my wife has grown so much stronger. I don’t know the reason and am not even smart enough to realize the connection between our relationship and my upgrades. Turns out without my knowledge, while asleep, she downloaded an app into my uplink that gave her full access to my thoughts and memories. She never tells me—she’s too ashamed to tell me I’m right. I wasn’t thinking anything worth talking about after all. Stupid me, just blissfully ignorant, enjoying a drama-free marriage.


A few more years go by, and there is a shift in society. Productivity is dropping. The issue seems to be only associated with the male population. I watch this on the news reports I have open in my mind but lose interest after 30 seconds and go back to the porn I had opened up.


It’s basically all I’ve had streaming in my head for… you know? I’m not sure how long it’s been.


If I put much thought into it, I’d see that all the males I pass in public, walk with either a bag or book held discreetly in front of their groin area, and we all have the same distant glossy-eye look like we aren’t paying much attention.


Another few years of this life, and things take a drastic turn. Actually, it’s the true extinction of the patriarchy. The entire male population on earth, given literal 24/7 access to porn inside their mind, stop doing much of anything. Wars end, and there is true world peace. Men stop getting involved with silly things like politics and the corporate game. The mere idea of doing anything in public seems like a hassle.


Women are glad to take charge though. By now, all females have whatever apps needed in their spouse’s heads for full control. Life seems easy though. Maybe the same way life is easy for a household pet. It’s a strange utopia but a utopia nonetheless.


Hopefully, this was the dumbest thing you read this week. If not, may I suggest a previous idiotic chapter of Reviewing Things?



Featured Posts
My Post (30).jpg