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  • Writer's pictureAlex Ganon

Alex Ganon Reviews: Masks

Updated: Oct 7, 2022

Once upon a time … maybe... there was us humans, wild and free, stupid and hairy.

Imagine, back in a time, either 3000 years ago if you believe things like horoscopes or a flat earth, or 400 thousand years ago if you’re like the rest of us. Both men and women romping around the wilderness wearing nothing but what God gave them. Just small groups of humans doing what cave people do, smashing and grunting, maybe even some frolicking.

It's not for me to know how free time was spent, but it's easy to guess, being naked and all that, there was a lot of junk and baggage bouncing about the cave. Normal though, I mean, before shame and clothing were invented, I assume having your privates wave about was no different than waving a hand.

Never forget I am no expert—I’m an admitted idiot.

For, all I can imagine or know, is that back at our beginning, it was socially accepted to greet by...uh ‘crossing swords.'

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So, forgetting that maybe the world was getting colder, or that maybe natural expansion was taking us out of our preferred climate zone, why did we decide to cover up?

Again, imagination is necessary (just assume this for everything I ever write).

One day, some dude in the cave approaches you for the cool/hip greeting of the time. Not a fist bump or high five, this hand shake is…well...lower. Before contact though, you notice his equipment doesn’t look quite right.

So first you ask him about it through a series of grunts—the known dialect of the time.

"Hey man, there’s something wrong with your thingy!”
"Ya, it doesn’t feel good, it’s itchy...hurts to pee"
Pointing, “it's all red and swollen, and there’s puss coming out of it."
“I don’t know what happened, Jason had the same thing the other day.”
“Well gross, you should go to the river and put some mud on it.”

Being a dumb caveman, you perform your greeting anyway and go about your business, just to find in a few days you have the same problem.

Eventually, after all the adults have similar crotch itch, the chief makes an announcement. Going forward, all tribe members must strap a leaf over their junk at all times when around others. Even for a dumb cave person, its obvious that contact is a factor.

There’s a lot of contention after this.

Most don’t give a shit either way, thinking:

"Well it won’t kill me if I get itchy puss-leaking bumps on my sensitive areas, but it would be more inconvenient to have an infection than to just hang a leaf over my bits.

Others are mad.

"Why should I have to wear this stupid thing. Its slightly uncomfortable. Sometimes my junk gets a little sweaty, and your taking my genitals freedom away."

Others say they cannot wear a leaf, the one they use feels prickly and causes a rash of its own. A more intelligent cave person shows them that they don’t have to use the thorny leaves, that there are smoother options available.

Eventually leaf wearing becomes habit. Unfortunately, a new greeting is created to fill the void after losing the intimate ‘low shake.’

The Chest Bump.

It’s exactly as you imagine. A jump forward towards another individual with pectorals extended and scapula retracted. This greeting catches on fast. Its fun and gives the males an immediate ability to assert dominance over females and weaker males. Kind of a bird with two stones deal. First stone is a “hello" second stone is “oh, and I’m stronger than you.”

Through this, you can immediately see how the hunter gatherer foundations begin. Since strength becomes very apparent during public greetings.

The females quickly decide they will have none of this. The cavemen, despite the females' attempt at reasoning, can’t get it through their thick skulls that female breasts are more sensitive than a male’s. The females quickly cover up their chest in an attempt to pad themselves against the assault.

Creating the precursors to bras.

The males that are smaller and unable to stand while being greeted, drop in tribe hierarchy so fast their gene lines quickly die off in just a single generation. Although the female thinks this greeting obnoxious, they still will not abide a weak man.

As generations pass again and again, the wild carefree days of having your junk flap in the wind are forgotten. Instead these areas become private. Regarded in shame when alone. Males overhear females whispering about sizes and girths of other males equipment which in turn gives birth to self-esteem and confidence issues for the first time. Other females notice their friends stuffing rabbit tails in bras then walking seductively past their husbands, instigating the first cat fights in history. All this just because two dudes were too stupid, not seeing the danger of uhh...let’s call it, cross contamination.

Now, fast forward to today. As it happens, we are in an exciting moment in time where we can witness the starting point to a brand new evolutionary revolution.

Currently, in the midst of this Covid epidemic...or is it pandemic…can we just throw out the word epidemic now? I mean, will there ever be an outbreak confined to one area in this global world we live? Well ya, Ebola, I guess is pretty secluded surprisingly.

So yes we keep both words, that’s fine. Anyway here is what I know.

Everywhere I go, everyone is wearing masks. In fact, where I live, its law that if you go inside any public building it is required. This has been the case for more than 6 months (at the time I’m writing this.)

Will Covid be forever? Nope of course not. Covid-19 will eventually fade away just like any other flu virus. All long will it take? I don’t even care to guess. I do know I’m not going to be in any rush to take a rushed vaccine. I’m no anti-vaxxer, but when the time comes I will make an excuse. I’ll shamefully wait a bit....just to be sure. I don’t think I’ll be the only one either. But not my point.

How many scares have we seen on the news in the past 10 years? SARS, MERS, Bird flu, Swine flu; there’s probably a couple more I don’t remember. Covid is just the latest, not that I mean to compare the hazard of each to the general public.

When Covid is done though, I wouldn’t bother throwing your fancy brand named mask in the trash. Hold on to it, because I have a feeling we will be using them again in no more than a few years. Why not? We are getting use to this. I tell you, if I’m out in a store or at work, at this point, not having a mask would feel like being naked.

Believe it or not, writing down my idiot opinion doesn’t pay my bills. I have a real job that actually pays money. I hired a kid a month ago, he’s great, talk to him everyday. A week ago I see a maskless stranger in the lounge eating lunch so I go introduce myself to him.

“Hey your new? What department you in?”

“Alex, its me Jason."

“Oh shit! Sorry man." Quite embarrassed. I mean I was talking to him an hour earlier. I see him at least 4 days a week! Its just this was the first time I’d seen him without his mask. Not what I'd imagined. Now that’s just after 6 months in this mask wearing society.

Any hint of the next pandemic will signal people to cover up as before. In a few pandemics we will just start doing it every flu season. After herd immunity slows down maybe flu season becomes flu year. By then, we may as well just leave the masks on.

This mask is now my leaf. I already feel naked without it. As generations go by, as with the cavemen, shame will seep in. Given enough time, a naked face seen in public will inspire disgust. We will only take our masks off in the privacy of homes. Soon though, that won’t do.

Our children will shriek in horror and embarrassment at even the thought of having to see their parent’s wrinkly lips or drooping cheeks.

So we will need to uncover in the privacy of the bathroom or bedroom. Eventually our wives will sleep wearing their masks, saying it’s because their cold, but you know deep down its because you let yourself go.

In public, you overhear women whispering about how big her man’s teeth are. You pretend it doesn’t bother you, telling yourself, “its ok. My teeth are average at least.”

Some women will stuff their masks to make their lips seem bigger only pissing off the other women around them. Basically, as a result of wearing masks in public the human face will become another private area. Nose lips and chin regarded as genitals are today.

In the end, its not all bad.

Although you’d never tell your wife, secretly you look forward to going to the dentist in this future.

As the cave people evolved to form a hierarchy and the hunting gatherer subtypes, we too will evolve from masks. We will grow lavishly ridiculous hairstyles to compensate our new anonymity created by mask wearing. There will be more tattoos and piercings on foreheads and ears.

Instead of kissing cheeks we will butt heads in friendly greetings.

New alpha males will be decided as those with weak skulls are showcased for all the women to see as this public head-butting hello becomes the norm. Women will begin wearing helmets, not wanting anything to do with head-butt greetings, making the female forehead the new bosom.

The most inconceivably haunting thought of all this is this:

Every once and a while, I get a tingling on my lip. The first few days I barely notice, maybe a pimple I think. Then a little while later it changes, hurts a bit. Shit. I have a cold sore, also referred to as mouth herpes by my wife. Its inconvenient, usually barely noticeable.

However! In a future world where the lips are seen as just another taboo area will my cold sore be looked at with disgust just like any other STD is today?

Anyway, wear your leaf. The future of our evolution is at stake.

Hopefully your IQ has dropped

Sorry. That was a long set up for just a cold sore joke...

Thank you very much.

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