• Alex Ganon

Alex Ganon Reviews: Absent Aliens

Updated: Oct 7

Where are they!?

I mean, come on already, I've been waiting my whole life for them to either come down here or beam me up. I'm tired of the terribly taunting tardiness of these things.

(Hah, does anyone else out there get this weird sense of peaceful elevation from writing alliteration…nothing else can give the same satisfaction. A good oxymoron is a distant second. The most peculiar thing is that those two are probably the easiest and crudest of the poetic tools available. The above even cruder because I ditched the "T" noise for a "Th"!)

Below, I'm going to state the top reasons for why I believe our little light-bearing wise extraterrestrial guides have not or will not arrive to carry us like a baby kangaroo to the ascendant existence we assume we deserve. I sarcastically promise my words will be well thought out, backed by irrefutable hard science, and indisputable.

The below very well may be quoted by teachers to elementary school children in the near future.

The first thing you need to know is that I am an idiot. The second is, "No, I'm not! You are!"

We all are. It's just that some of us are smarter idiots than the others. In only the last 150 years, we've done things like:

Not wash our hands before surgery.

Let our children lick lead paint.

Let our government recommend a shit diet.

Had a doctor prescribe smoking cigarettes.

Had a doctor prescribe unnecessary antibiotics.

Had a doctor prescribe a lobotomy!

Had a doctor prescribe opioids and antidepressants carefree, creating a culture of drug abuse and dependence that has destroyed lives and created a mental health crisis.

Oh jeez, I didn't think I would go off on the medical profession there. I recently had surgery, and it's possible I have some subconscious resentment towards them…. I shouldn't though, the surgeon did a good job.

My point is we are not so bright. The kind of organism that will pay a "delivery fee" on his gas bill, so he doesn't freeze to death. Or complains about spending too much on electricity but leaves all the lights on in the basement, so the spiders don't come out…

I do that…and they most certainly will come out if I leave them in the dark. (Spiders do not belong on this earth. I'm not scared of them. I hate them.)

Idiots like me do not deserve to meet the higher being that would be the advanced alien.

You've heard the "we're bugs to them" argument, I'm sure. Knowing what I think of spiders, I don't blame them. Disgusting, dirty things that would surely give you some infectious skin-rotting aliment if one were to bite you. That's what I think a spider is, and that's what our aliens think of us.

That brings me to the first and most probable reason I have not and will not ever come face to face with an E.T.

NO. 1

Why the hell would an advanced alien species ever feel the need to come down and visit, say hi, or in any way show themselves to us? It's easy to assume that they have the ability to detect us way before we could even see their figurative shadows. One look at our world and our gross soft gooey flesh, and they would say "no thanks" and move on. It would be the logical decision. Why bother interacting? They would get no benefit from having us in their lives.

No, Alex, they would want to research us. Like we feel the need to study some uncontacted tribe in the jungle. They are empathic explorers, right?

Umm, no, that seems unlikely. Do you think they gained the technology to move freely across the stars out of some desire to investigate and reach out to new life forms?

Do they also ride the Enterprise? Before setting out on their journey, did they get some kind of doctorate in anthropology from their prestigious alien university? No, that's just dumb human stuff. If they actually do have a post-secondary education, they would be better off getting a real job or risk going into default with their student loans.

(I assume they too would have student debt because if there was a better way to learn, surely we wouldn't be dumb enough to continue this for-profit academic system, right?…I mean?)

Any reason you can think of to argue that an advanced ALIEN society would want to waste their time coming to earth to interact, study, observe, or whatever….any reason you think of… is a human reason. The chances of them having similar notions are just as good as the chances they have five fingers, hands, blonde hair, or hazel eyes. Doesn't matter what you rationalize. It's human rationalization, as a product of our own unique evolution and experience. Something truly alien will not act like us, look like us, have our history, or think like us. Even the concept of thought may be inconceivable to them.

So the number one, most plausible reason for me to miss out on the alien visitor sci-fi dream come true is:

THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME! Or you, or your neighbor. Stopping to say H.I. will give them nothing except covid.

No 2.

Any nerd of sci-fi, like myself, has probably watched the movie "Contact." It plays with the notion that the first viable interstellar broadcast was made during the 1936 Olympics….You know, the one with Hitler.

How embarrassing for us, right?

No, not really. As far as an alien would know, its just a funny looking creature with a funny looking thing under its nose. There is no need for humanity to be concerned that our first impressions to the aristocratic aliens are that of possibly our biggest instigator of evil acts.

The point that this movie makes in that scene gets me wondering, though. If television broadcasts do escape our planet and continue forever as light should. And assuming that whole doppler effect thingy doesn't garble the content beyond use. What would the aliens really know about us via our media and entertainment?

Imagine those little space squeakers sitting in front of their 20K resolution ultra ultra supreme ultra HD screen doing some pre-contact prep. With space snack in hand, what would they learn?

Let's pretend they don't understand the concept of art or fiction like that Tim the Tool Man movie Galaxy Quest. I mean, the concept of make-believe and art could very well be unique to humans making the whole concept of fiction…alien to the aliens.

Keep pretending a tad bit more and picture these E.T.s closely studying our entertainment while en route to earth, eagerly engaged to either explore or eradicate.

What would they see while binge-watching our broadcasts?

I want to ignore our news and documentaries.

Yea, they'd see that too, I'm sure, but what about the more entertaining stuff.

If everything you watched on T.V. was true, what kind of world would this be? If you were a little green fragile thing, whose neck would surely snap if you moved that giant head of yours too fast, would you really be so eager to visit if your primary intelligence-gathering came from our television?

No, you'd turn that goddamn ship around! No self-respecting alien would come to a planet full of axe-wielding lunatics, vampires, zombies, and werewolves.

Godzilla even!

They would probably quarantine our whole quadrant.

(That's a thing, right?)

Then, on the way home, these aliens would cautiously be giving every planet they passed a wide berth. Who knows where Ridley Scott's xenomorph could be hiding.

It's even more so for the sinister alien that had plans to destroy or enslave us. Not knowing the difference between fiction and nonfiction, they will begin to doubt their ability to be victorious. Humans destroyed the 'Independence Day' guys, and they had way bigger ships, 'Starfleet' seems like they have their shit together. Not to mention they have these 'Jedi' things with freaking 'Death stars!'

Humans never lose. Say cool shit when they blow your head off too!

The number 2 slightly less plausible reason I won't see any aliens is:

Earth is full of monsters, humans have an inappropriate amount of military firepower, and they like to blow shit up.

** is what I use to think**

Now listen as I entirely refute my own point above.

Science Fiction just sucks. I get that in the 60s to 80s, the whole Star Wars/Star Trek lasers, phasers, and warps, hyperdrive premises were imaginative. Totally understand that, at the time, those ideas were like, "Wow," that's some cool, distant future tech we are introducing.

So what do we have for sci-fi nowadays?

Surely, this imaginary tech has developed in some sort of ratio comparable to our actual scientific advances in the last 40 years. You would think, since the sky's the limit when it comes to fiction, that our pretend advances would exponentially increase over the years, right?

Why the hell hasn't it?

Still, right now, there's a story being filmed or written telling me that big hunks of metal and rockets are somehow this crazy super-futuristic marvel just because it's in space.